i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
