On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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