god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
