Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
