After last night, I could never be a politician.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
did i walk over a car last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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