I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
