My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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