The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize