What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
