nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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