I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
