I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
