There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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