This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
