her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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