Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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