My liver just broke up with me...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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