I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
