i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
