I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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