Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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