If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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