I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
