fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
