I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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