I will die if light touches me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
