Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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