that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Even my vagina gasped.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
