My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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