I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
