Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
