you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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