I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
