These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
why do cheetos always look like penises
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize