Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize