Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
