My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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