He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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