i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize