She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
