I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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