he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
