Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
