i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have aggressive nipples.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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