why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize