Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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