....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
