when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize