my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
