She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
