and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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