she woke up with a sticky ear
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Success! We fucked roommates!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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