seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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