Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
