watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
