Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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