Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
